I got her a Nickelback box set.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
