yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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