Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
