Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
