I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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