First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
