I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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