I wish I could punch you in the face.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
