well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
