Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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