for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
