my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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