yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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