Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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