I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
