theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
