More tranny stories later!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
