I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
