I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
