I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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