sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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