I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
