True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
