my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
