you're like a bully in the Christmas story
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
