if i can run in heels then i can drive
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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