Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
