its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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