Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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