ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This baby is an asshole
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
