Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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