So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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