You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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