I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
