I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
