I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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