I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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