you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
