Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
