My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
