I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
