How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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