Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
