so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
