I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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