4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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