Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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