My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
