Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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