I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
